Joke of the day

So, if a guitar player had a harley, would it be a minstrel cycle?



Next?

If a black man is flying a plane.... what do you call him?










The pilot you racist!

Gifted?




Paul, you and I are going to hell.

Do you know what a dyslexic atheistic insomniac does?







Lies awake at night and wonders if there really is a Dog.

two indians are walking along one day. one indian stops and puts his ear to the ground. "buffalo come" he says. "how you know?" the second one asks. "ear sticky" the first one replies.

A man in a Mustang stops at a stoplight and a guy on a scooter pulls up next to him. The guy on the scooter leans over and takes an admiring look at the inside of the Mustang and tells the driver that he has a really hot car. Well, the light turned green so the driver of the Mustang decides to show off and peels out and leaves the guy on the scooter in the dust. Then, all of a sudden, he sees the scooter zip on past him. So, being a little cocky, the Mustang driver floors it again and blows past the guy on the scooter. A few seconds later, he again sees the scooter zip on past him. So now he's a little irate as well as a little mifted that that scooter keeps passing him so he floors it until he is going over 100 mph. He thinks to himself that there would be no way that scooter could catch him now, but then looks in the rearview mirror and sees that scooter starting to catch up. He then decides to find out what that scooter really is and slams on his brakes. Then the scooter crashes into the Mustang. After the dust settled, the Mustang driver sees the scooter driver lying in the road and goes over to him and askes how he could go as fast as the Mustang on a little wimpy scooter... The dying man replied, "I can't really, but my suspenders were caught on your side mirror...."

In a dog park in a very chic Manhattan neighborhood, three dogs get together to chat, and the subject of what breed they are comes up.

The first dog says, "well, my mother was a cocker spaniel and my father was a poodle, so I'm a Cockapoo. We're very trendy."

The second dog puts his nose in the air and says, "Well, that's nice. Personally, my father was a purebred pug and my mother was an award-winning beagle, making me a Puggle. We're the latest thing in L.A."

The third dog looks very uncomfortable and starts trying to change the subject. "Come on, just tell us," the other dogs keep saying. Finally, he gives in.

"Well, my father was a Bull Terrier and my mother was a Shi Tzu..."

A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate. They decided to pull over and park and have some fun.

Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside. All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself.

"Didn't you know that you are not supposed to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple.

Being embarrassed by being caught, they said yes and apologized.

"Well, he said, I will have to write you a ticket."

So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior.

After getting dressed, the girl asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for. He responded, "Doing 69 in a 35 mph speed zone!"

GREAT PICKUP LINES

I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.

Nice legs...what time do they open?

I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.

old, but a classic

Dear Son,

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
Newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home,
So we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last
Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they
Moved so that they would not have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure
It works so well though. Last week I put a load in and pulled the chain
And haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time
For three days and the second time for four days.
About the coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it
Would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut
Them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
Because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it
Is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks
Just like your brother….

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull
Him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him
Cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck.
Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety
Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because
They couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but
The envelope was already sealed

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No,'"she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,'"she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.< /b>







"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'"

A man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.



A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'


A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator. He asks the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?” “Yes, we do!”
“Good. Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my alligator.”