Hyperbole and a half

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/

I know reading for you guys is not your strong point unless its a mustang/car magazine. but its definitely a blog that has some funny as heck reads in it. Heres an example.

Heres for you grammar nazis people :p
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html

Anyone afraid of spiders?
heres a great read too

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/03/spiders-are-scary-its-okay-to-be-afraid.html

Ever have an awkward silence moment with someone, heres a survival guide for it.
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/03/awkward-situation-survival-guide.html

Ever got to the doctor that wants you to rate your pain by a picture. This is funny
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/02/boyfriend-doesnt-have-ebola-probably.html

Ok so i dont think anyone really took to the time to read some of her funny random blogs, well imma copy pasta one :)



Wednesday, February 10, 2010


Boyfriend Doesn't Have Ebola. Probably. *UPDATED*



I took Boyfriend to the Emergency Room last night because he was vomiting up vast quantities of what I thought was blood but actually it was just Craisins. You guys, if you feel like you may become violently ill in the near future, stay away from red food. Failure to do so may create an atmosphere of unnecessary panic and chaos.

Anyway, the doctor wanted to make sure that Boyfriend didn't have SARS or stomach AIDS or something, so he had to poke him a lot. While he was doing this to Boyfriend, he pointed to a little reference chart on the wall and asked Boyfriend to rate his pain:




You've probably seen some version of that chart before. You may also have noticed how inadequate it is at helping you. Based on the faces, this is my interpretation of the chart:

0: Haha! I'm not wearing any pants!

2: Awesome! Someone just offered me a free hot dog!

4: Huh. I never knew that about giraffes.

6: I'm sorry about your cat, but can we talk about something else now? I'm bored.

8: The ice cream I bought barely has any cookie dough chunks in it. This is not what I expected and I am disappointed.

10: You hurt my feelings and now I'm crying!

None of that is medically useful and it doesn't even have all the numbers, so I made a better one with all the numbers:





0: Hi. I am not experiencing any pain at all. I don't know why I'm even here.

1: I am completely unsure whether I am experiencing pain or itching or maybe I just have a bad taste in my mouth.

2: I probably just need a Band Aid.

3: This is distressing. I don't want this to be happening to me at all.

4: My pain is not fucking around.

5: Why is this happening to me??

6: Ow. Okay, my pain is super legit now.



7: I see Jesus coming for me and I'm scared.

8: I am experiencing a disturbing amount of pain. I might actually be dying. Please help.

9: I am almost definitely dying.

10: I am actively being mauled by a bear.

11: Blood is going to explode out of my face at any moment.

Too Serious For Numbers: You probably have ebola. It appears that you may also be suffering from Stigmata and/or pinkeye.

I wanted to make #13 be a post-ebola zombie, but then Boyfriend was all plead-y and like "can we go to bed? Please? I almost died yesterday."

P.S. Boyfriend doesn't have SARS or stomach AIDS. And he probably doesn't have appendicitis. He doesn't even have ebola.

Ok you guys have to check out the spider one. Its some funny stuff :)

What the hell Amanda?

I refuse to look at the spider one . . .

why? It's funny lol, Her humor is somewhat twisted.

Like my new avatar?

I just shot Pepsi out my nose, damn that's funny

lol this reminds me of Jared, only the look of this rock does though lol

Stop it! I just cleaned up the first Pepsi mess.

Love your new Avatar! LOL!

I knew you would

Everything on there is freakin hilarious, but Sandy that new avatar ROCKS ASS

good to hear that you blew PEPSI out of your nose. Coke may have killed you. (they use it to clean the rust off of Chevy's).

More funny stuff :)


I CAN'T FEEL MY FACE!!!




After three hours of drilling and twelve shots of novocain, I can't feel my face at all. Or my throat. This is what I feel like right now:






Or possibly this one:






I had to get the crown because my tooth had a conjoined twin that was getting cavities all up in its shit. They had to get rid of the conjoined twin tooth and then file the remaining tooth down and put a temporary fake tooth over it. It was pretty dramatic:







Anyway, now I'm all pissed off, sitting at home, unable to feel my face or eyes or throat. I can't even eat because I have no control of my swallowing muscles and I'm home alone and I'd probably choke and the paramedics would find me and be like "Oh no, her face is all fucked up. She must have had a stroke. Why was she eating raw pork? Oh wait... that's her own lip."


I think this is probably the saddest day ever.

Thats the most graphic discription of a crown I have seen.

I'm a little concerned about some of our members . . . but I do still love the bear :)

lol, i didnt draw it. i still thought it was hilarious.

ok one more funny one. How to survive the awkward silence (guide)
Awkward silence

You are talking to an acquaintance or having dinner with your coworkers. The conversation suddenly comes to a crossroads and no one knows where to steer it. The silence has extended past the 6-second mark and the awkwardness is increasing exponentially. Worst of all, you were the last person to speak, so everyone thinks the awkwardness is your fault.

The Solution: Sudden, loud noise



Foot-in-mouth


You are having a great time, talking loudly, feeling like the life of the party. You are soaring on wings of confidence. You get a little too bold. Something offensive slips out.




Now everyone is staring at you and your confidence implodes like a punctured balloon. Suddenly you can't find anything to say. You are nothing. You are dirt. Your soul is soaking up shame like a sponge and you are beginning to weigh the value of your friendships against the magnitude of your embarrassment.


The Solution: Confuse...




... or redirect...




Getting caught staring


Sometimes you are ogling a pretty girl, sometimes you are trying to get a better look at a horribly misshapen person and sometimes you are just spacing out and your eyes happen to be pointing directly at someone.




Whatever the case, when you are caught, you will feel shame. Lots and lots of shame.


The Solution:




Encounters with close talkers



Conversations with close-talkers are usually only awkward on your end. They could be telling you about how they found ten miniature unicorns in their backyard and all you are thinking about is whether your breath stinks and exactly how to angle your head so that you aren't breathing on them, but it still kind of looks like you are paying attention.


The Solution:




Unwanted conversation


I am painfully bad at avoiding/extricating myself from this one. I get sucked into all sorts of unwanted conversations about crazy political conspiracy theories, the annual budget for sports teams I don't care about, advanced scientific debates that I am woefully underprepared for and probing discussions about my breast health. One time, on a Greyhound bus ride to Seattle, I talked to a woman I didn't know for 7 hours about her divorce because I couldn't figure out how to end the conversation.


Generally, unwanted conversations happen unexpectedly, so there is very little you can do to avoid them.






The Solution: I have no idea; you tell me.


Responding to someone who isn't talking to you




The Solution: You have several options

Ok, so I'm throwing the first $20 in the pot for Amanda's much needed trip to the psychologist. Anyone else in?

waaat? there funny!

i thought this was cute.

More epic funniness

Spiders are Scary. It's Okay to be Afraid of Them. *UPDATED*


I'm fighting a war. A war against spiders. Every night before bed, I check my sheets for them, shoe in hand, ready to brutally end their lives with way more force than necessary. Sometimes I find one and even if I kill it, I still can't go to sleep because it confirmed my fear that sometimes there are spiders waiting in my bed for me.

I used to pretend that I wasn't afraid of spiders. It made me feel cool - like I was braver than most people. If someone called me on my bluff and asked me to dispose of a spider, I would put on my battle-face and do my best to get rid of it without letting the panic bubble to the surface.

I don't pretend anymore.



I HATE spiders. Spiders are like little pieces of death wrapped in scary. Even if a spider was like




I'd be all




Sometimes when I express the hatred and fear I feel when I think of spiders, someone will be like "But spiders have families too!!" Like somehow that will make me become sympathetic and understanding toward spiders. But that's exactly the point. Spiders have families and their families are also spiders. We should kill spiders because they have families.





When I was younger, my mom would say "Sweetie, don't be afraid. You are way bigger than a spider." Well guess what, mom? I'm bigger than a grenade too. Were you trying to raise me to be some sort of unconquerable war-machine that isn't even afraid of grenades? If you were trying to do that, you failed. I'm afraid of a lot of things that are smaller than me - like bees and wolverines and centipedes. I'm even kind of afraid of ants a little bit.





Spiders are freaking scary. That is a universal truth. I don't know why. I don't need to know why. All I know is that when this:


comes crawling across the floor at me, my brain interprets it like this:




That is a spider with a swastika and the words "I KILL YOU" carved into its flesh and it has knives and guns strapped to its legs. That's how scary spiders are.




P.S. I just saw a spider on my stairs and I tried to squish it but I missed and now I can't find it.


UPDATE: Remember how I was like "P.S. There was a spider on my stairs and I tried to squish it, but no"? IT WAS ON ME. At least I think it was the same spider. Maybe it was just a part of the other spider's clone army. I don't know. The point is that I was like "happyhappyunaware" and then I looked down and there was a big, black spider crawling on the couch next to me and I ran away yelling "getitgetitgetit!!!" because I'm super brave. Then Boyfriend was like "I know what would be a good idea! I should try to stab the spider with my knife!" and he pulled out his pocket knife and tried to stab the spider and he missed and the spider ran away and now there's a fucking spider in my couch.


UPDATE: Okay, this spider is a survivor. First, it escaped being crushed by me on the stairs. Then it got away when boyfriend was trying to stab it with a pocket knife and it ran behind the couch. Tip: don't try to stab spiders - squish instead:




Boyfriend and I tore the room up looking for it and we couldn't find it. Then, I looked up above me and there it was. On the ceiling. In a completely unreachable spot.


UPDATE: Now it has a friend.


UPDATE: Boyfriend just killed the spider's friend using a box of Samoas© Girl Scout cookies.





The original spider is still too high to reach. (You're welcome for the free advertising, Samoas©)


UPDATE: The spider has been slain. It was an epic battle. First, I made a spider-free island in the middle of the living room where I could watch the action while still being reasonably sure that I would not become part of it. Then Boyfriend made a long, poke-y weapon and he climbed up behind the couch and went in for the kill. The spider did not die easily and its death will probably be avenged in some fashion by its clone army, but for now it is gone.

This is the bag of the future. It is so compact and portable that it’s almost not even a bag anymore. You can’t really store many things inside of it, but that doesn’t really matter when you can put it inside so many things! I just blew your mind, didn’t I? Theoretically, if you needed to fit six of these inside a hollowed-out watermelon shell, you could.

Is it just me... or is Amanda a hugh post whore?!?

i'm not being a post whore in this thread, theres a couple people who actually enjoy those reads. its like a comic thread.